Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Sketchy Thoughts 2 (Too)

I have been hauling around a sketchbook everywhere I go again. Wow, I never realized how much I missed those days. When I was in Graphic Design school in 1997, I sketched on napkins, I sketched on toilet paper, I sketched on my arm...you name it. But sadly my ex, my friends, my family kept telling me how bad I was and even through the years. People tell you how bad you are eventually you don't want to do art or be an artist anymore. It wasn't until J who is an amazing artist telling me, constructively, where I was good, bad, how to fix it and what to work on if I wanted to improve. I DID want to improve so I listened eagerly with full attention on him. I mean part of it was his charm and handsome looks, come on, but the other part was I really did want to be a better artist. Then I learned about Inking and Digital Art and it was like a new world opened up for me. I am really thankful for him in my life in many ways, that being on of them-Great Encourager of Art! :)

So, now I am back to sketching and drawing and challenging myself again through pencils and inks and back to sketching. My little book is almost full and I soon will need more Moleskins to fill. I carry one in my purse and one sits at home by my bed or computer depending on what I am doing. To me these are not really "sketches" yet though they are. They are artistic representations of my thoughts. Ok, did that sound profound to anyone else but me? LOL. I made a funny. I didn't mean to sound so "deep", but it is true. That is how I feel about them.

So, here is round TWO (not to be confused with TOO) of my sketchy thoughts. Enjoy!

These first two are random sketches as a reminder for me to Fight the URGE to call, text, email or write love letters to J. FIGHT THE URGE! He doesn't want to hear from me, so I am trying to respect that.

This is my first sketch to Fight the Urge to call him
 Then I thought of the urge like a big monstery blob coming to get me and I have to fight it off. so I re drew it!

Fight the Urge
I don't know, maybe I should start a whole cartoon series called The Urge and it is for women with broken hearts and fighting off The Urge?!?! :)

(Btw, most of these are as a result of me reading The Courage to Be Yourself. I sketch a lot when I am reading self help books.)
Stop wearing negative name tags sunless we want negative company
 Then it shows a name tag that says "I am fearful. I am unemployable. I am not good enough."

Flower Seed Petals
 I am worthwhile. I am loveable. I am strong.I am good enough. I am a likeable girl. I deserve to be loved. I am a good person.

What weeds did I swallow whole? (These are things our parents, mothers, boyfriends, others told us that we devoured that were no good for us but we swallowed them whole anyway)

Weeds
  •  I am not pretty
  • I am not good enough
  • I am insecure
  • I am an emotional roller coaster
  • I am weak
  • I need to be taken care of
  • Life is too hard
  • Women over 40 are not attractive
  • Women over 40 should settle
  • Women over 40 are lucky to have anyone
Replace Weeds
 We need to replace the Weeds with Flowers
  • I care for me
  • I am pretty
  • I am strong
  • I am a damn hot attractive 42 year old and proud of it!!
  • I have emotional strength
  • Life is what you make it
Remind myself that "I am NOT the Target"
Cleaning out Debris
 As you clean out the Debris from your carpet, you will feel and increase of self worth

(lft) holding carpet with junk underneath: debris, emotional dependance, pain (rt) holding carpet with nothing under it but goodness

Pressure Cooker of Emotions
 We need to remember to release steam or we become a pressure cooker of emotions and are likely to blow or explode (I really don't want to combust...I think it might be just a tad bit messy don't you?)

Don't allow Emotional Debris to collect in our minds, souls and hearts
 Sorrow, dust, depression, grief,  anger written inside the heart

Unravel the grief
 A ball of yarn like unraveling...with the ominous GRIEF words...

Realize you have been hit by an Emotional Truck. I could take 5 minutes, 5 weeks or ever 5 years to heal.
(I started balling when I read this. Not for me but because of J. He was still healing after his ex and I truly feel it took him 4 years to heal. Now he is ready. Sadly, not with me. But if I love him(and I do), I need to be happy for this gain and progress in his life and allow him the chance at happiness)

Emotional Truck running over a person
Growth requires courting the Unexpected
 "Excuse me, but I would like to court you." Person knocking on door. Door sounds say "Knock knock" The Unexpected Blob says "Come in!"

Go ahead and gamble of being our "Authentic Selves" The risk is Worth the Reward.
Gamble being Authentic
Person leaning over Craps table (I like Craps) gambling...

Live life with enthusiasm
 (I think my life image looks like a hot dog) so does that mean my enthusiasm is Ketchup??? :)

No spewing raw emotions or verbal vomiting on others (person spewing)

Negativity is contagious
 (lft) Person with mouth open-Cough cough, negativity, cough. (rt) Person running away saying "Run, flee the negativity! AUUGH!"

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Then these sketches are random that came from conversations, etc, misc.

I told J I felt like I was waiting for the Bomb to Drop...sadly, then it did. But I am glad it did (no I am NOT crazy) because now I have all the facts.Maybe, just maybe this is the process of the step of on my to healing I needed. I still hurt even more so now that the bomb has dropped. But I can't explain it. I feel "different"


I heard this amazing song today called "Steady Your Heart" and played it over and over like 20 times I think. I cried and cried. I called my therapist.  She called me back. I was in "panic mode" I hurt and hurt. Today I thought I was having a pretty good day "despite the bomb" but then I got home and went to do my SOAR homework and someone posted this and I lost it. IT is PMDD week so I am trying to take that into account, but wow...I really need to work on this...Steadying my Heart.

this is a Rock with two persons one on each side holding up the heart. Underneath on the rock it says "The Lord is my Rock & my Salvation"
Steady My Heart
I am working on it. These little sketches sure are helping. It gets those pesky, nasty thoughts out of my head that are roaming and swimming around in there playing racquetball underwater with my thoughts. I hope you sketch or draw or doodle or find a quick release like I have.