Friday, January 27, 2012

SOAR with Me for Week 4-Healing through Journaling

SOAR Week 4 Work...

Just my luck Week four is about...Love. BLECH.

I am sorry I don't mean to be a downer to those who Love love rigt now and can't wait until Feb 14th and want to shower their honey with affection and tenderness. Yeah I want to do that too. Instead, I will be alone...he will be with HER, take her out, buy her flowers, give her a gift, probably make love to her, and bond even more...I want to shoot something right now badly. UGH! I want to vomit from it all. Seriously. Valentine's day is going to royally suck this year. No one is going to show up on my door, no one is going to be there giving me flowers, no one is going to be holding me, no one is going to be loving me tenderly, no one wants me.

Thoughts of high school days and the mere loneliness of it all comes back to haunt my thoughts now. Asking guys to dances, dates, prom and never having anyone to share those special moments with. When I met S, my 2nd husband, I asked "What do you want most in a relationship?" He said "Someone to share my life with. Do things with. Enjoy life with." I thought J wanted the same. Well, he does, I guess...just not with me. I am not good enough for him. That hurts most of all. The not being wanted by someone. After 4 years...I am nothing...she is now his everything. My heart hurts thinking about it, so I really do try not to.

But still this assignment was Love, so I made the best of it I could. There is more in here about Broken Hearts and Broken Love than anything else, but to me THIS is how LOVE is affecting me right now. Deep down I know my heart will heal. But right now, I want to rip it out of my chest cuz it hurts so much and all I can do is pray unceasingly..."Please Dear Lord, Please bring Peace to My heart. Please help me get THROUGH this."

Yes I said THROUGH. Because I know that is the only way to heal. There is no going around pain and heartache. We must pass through our trials. After our trials comes a blessing of our faith. I will get there. Just not yet. Not yet. But God and me and this thing called Love will get day.

 EXCERPT from the SOAR course
When we love someone or something, it always moves us toward something, or someone. When we love someone, we want to be near that person. We want to be near his or her touch.The movement of fear is always away from someone or something. If I am afraid I back away. I want to get away from the object of my fear. If I am afraid of confrontation, I will back away from the person involved and avoid any possible conflict with him or her. Another important aspect to understand about the three basic emotions is how they are related to self-control. The emotions of anger and fear are reactions to threatening situations or people. Love is the emotion of self-control; for when love is our response, we are able to act, not react, to life.The overwhelmed woman--perhaps she is friendly and caring, always taking the time to listen to her friend’s problems, but lately she finds herself drained by the experience.Someone who is an expert at controlling her emotions might have a spotless house. Underneath though, lies a sea of questions and self-doubt…she wonders if she can do anything right, she is never satisfied. Another way to look at these two basic attempts to retain control of our lives is to image driving a special car. Only we know how to drive it. As we travel down the highway, we suddenly feel overwhelmed, so we decide to put the car into cruise control and jump into the backseat. But nothing can be done if you’re sitting in the backseat
 I pasted some of the quotes from Anita's SOAR work for the week...
 I put this whole sheet down with a quote from Leo Buscaglia
Prepped my pages for Weeks 4-Love
 My Love Story: I haven't had the end of my love story yet. My perfect love story is still out there waiting for me.

Love Cometh after the Rain~ Mary Englebreit.
The Way to Know LIFE is to LOVE many things.
A little poncho I made that says "Sweet girl"

"Don't be afraid to fall in love. It's the only thing that matters in life. Fall in Love with as many things possible."~ Country Strong

When you need to be loved, you take love wherever you can find it. When you are desperate to be loved, feel love, know love, you seek out what you think love should look like. When you find love, or what you think love is, you will lie, kill, and steal to keep it. But learning about real love comes from within. It cannot be given. It cannot be taken away. It grows from your ability to re-create within yourself, the essence of loving experiences you have had in your life.”
Iyanla Vanzant

Without You 
Is the Abscene 

“You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them"

**God is closest to those with broken hearts.    Jewish Saying

The best way to mend a broken heart is time and girlfriends.    Gwyneth

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken
than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.   Author Unknown
Love is like a puzzle. When you're in love, all the pieces fit but when
your heart gets broken, it takes a while to get everything back
together." - Author Unknown

Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to
fix than broken hearts.  Author Unknown

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things
we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live
without but have to let go.   Author Unknown
What is not an expression of love is an expression of fear. Withholding love for any reason is a sign that we are crying out in fear. Fear of being hurt. Fear that our love will not be reciprocated. When you find yourself backing up, pulling back, withdrawing from another person, ask yourself, “Why am I withholding my love?” What you are likely to discover is that there is a hidden fear forcing you to do something you would not like to have done to you. ~The Over Analyst

Don't cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won't let you see the
stars.   Violet Para

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop. 

They say that if you love someone you should let them go, but they never
say what to do when they don’t come back.    Anonymous

The flame of love is now just a cold loneliness.       Unlike Swain

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you
never knew.      Anonymous

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself
constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.  I
miss you like hell.      Edna St. Vincent Millay

[A] final comfort that is small, but not cold:  The heart is the only
broken instrument that works.   T.E. Kalem

What is the opposite of two?  A lonely me, a lonely you.  Richard Wilbur

Look’ how badly I made this broken heart
If your heart is broken
Tell me I'll mend it for you
But if my heart is broken
I doubt i will ever be a mended one
Because you've broken it to the tiniest pieces
I don't even know if all parts are present
I guess one parcel of myself is not here
I think it's gone with you...

Love isn't love til you give it away...

“Don’t hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love.”—Honore de

"When we think we have been hurt by someone in the past, we build up defenses to protect
ourselves from being hurt in the future. So the fearful past causes a fearful future and the past
and future become one. We cannot love when we feel fear.... When we release the fearful past
and forgive everyone, we will experience total love and oneness with all." -Jampolsky

 I added some other pictures and quotes to the left side of my journal.
Authenticity by Brene Brown
You Are Beautiful: That is the Truth by Brave Girls Club

 A Brave Girl Truth Card I made last year and an image for Despair I have had in front of me. I decided to put it in the book.
 TC says: Change is necessary, Be willing to walk away. It is time to let this go.
 The top image is my current desktop on my computer. So I look at it every single day...Despair.
The image below of the girl holding her face in her hands is the image that is my FB profile picture right now.

 My Despair closes over my head
Swallowing my soul
I am drowning in it, not wallowing
My lungs burning as I try as I might
To keep my spirits afloat
I struggle, I strive, I fight to survive
But in the end,
My Black Despair wins.

 Post it notes I shared on my other post.

 Country Strong quotes
 My smile does not always mean I'm happy
Sometimes it means
I can manage
sometimes it is just me
I'm tired of crying

People cry, not because they are weak
It's because they have been strong for too long.
SOAR Truth Card and some magic cards that symbolize SOARING to me.

 Dear Trisha, 
You will be whole again. You will fly again. You will SOAR higher than you ever have soared.

 Then I took Rita's examples and since I truly feel like I don't know one day from the next, this is a good exercise for me to write down what happens day to day. When I sent or received an email, when I got dressed or didnt, when I cried, when I didn't get up, to when I had a migraine or stomach sickyness. This has been very helpful for me right now.

To the right, a few quotes:

Sometimes when you fall down, you just have to lie still, and hope no one runs over you. If they don't and you lay there long enough, taking care to be very still...God will life you up and perform a soul surgery"~Peace from Broken Pieces

One way to eliminate self negating thoughts and behavior is by gaining more understanding through realizing that you cannot force others to see that what you feel is real.” ― Iyanla Vanzant

the last quote reminds me...

It is ok if you find yourself alone. It will be ok. You will be ok. You really are not are never alone.

 I saw this quote on Pinterest and had to save it and print it for my book.
Add caption
 This idea to make these came from White Hot Truth and he post "What I trust"
I decided to make a document for me to write out what I trust as a way of healing. I have a lot of unanswered questions and I don't understand things in my life right now. I was thinking I don't know what I do or DON'T trust right now. But putting it down on paper really helped me see and I feel will help me bridge the gap on the path of healing. It might be I trust my breath to I trust my friends, but it's all good.

If you are interested in receiving these sheets click here to print out your copy and write down what YOU trust. WHAT I TRUST PDF
Break Up Quotes CLICK HERE
Love Quotes CLICK HERE

Sketchy Thoughts

Sketchy thoughts come to me when I am reading my devotionals, some of my non-fiction self help books or even just when I am doing nothing. My brain is always working overtime and I am learning how important it is to sketch these thoughts and ideas down not just to get them out of my overloaded brain but also sometimes these little ideas have the ability to grow up and be a project or sketch or drawing somewhere else.

Ideas for Ribbon Bracelets

 I found a distributor even that might make these. It's a thought/idea. for SensaFashion..who knows.

The Path to Love is the Path to the Heart
 This one got to grow up and be in my SOAR journal. :)

Facing pages of sketch ideas

Calling the Lord
 Calling the Lord can bring you unspeakable peace. To the left the guy is calling God. "Hello Lord? Could you bring me some peace?" an arrow points to the other guy above the arrow it says "Moments to Days Later" This wire figure is in a yoga pose and says "Ahhh...thanks"

All we can do is ride the Healing Process
The wire guy to the left is sitting in a roller coaster on top of the track. Under him it says "The Highs", he says "Woo hoo" and then the cart is going down into The Pit", his arms down in frustration, he says "Grr", then over a hump of "FEAR"  as he screams "Aaaaaaa!" and the track winds around and the guy is on his way to "Overcoming It All" and he says "Whew" with his arms stretched out.

I finally put a face on one of my fashion girls and drew a formal dress for her

I started sketching the Femme's a bit bigger and started a design (poor headless girl)

Tired of letting you drag my heart around
This guy is walking along and he has one arm behind him as he drags a heart on the ground, scraping and wounding it as it leaves a trail of blood...

Heart Drag

Worry is a vampire
I read this in a blog post today and I thought about Worry as this ominous creature and bloody teeth.

Other sketches I was putting on post its. I put them in my SOAR book

Stuck in Sorrow (left) / My heart trembles at the Loss of Him (rt)
This wire guy has his foot stuck in the mud of sorrow. The right one shows a heart trembling.

(left) Physically, Emotionally, Bruised Heart/ Sorrow, Misery, Loneliness, Despair (rt)
(Lft) Brusised heart with a patch on the side, (rt) Wire guy with head hanging low and arms hanging low feeling these emotions
The path of Despair is bridled with Thorns/ Keep your Guard Up
(lft) A path with thorns along the side, (rt) a wall, barbed wire double strength fence wrapped around it to guard the heart

So there you have it. Some of my recent sketches. I have some I will put on my new Fashion Femmes site tomorrow. The site is still a work in progress and right now the Cart isn't working, so I might just link it to my Etsy account or something. But you can check out what I have now or wait until tomorrow or come back tomorrow to see the new sketches I am going to put up.

Monday, January 23, 2012

SOAR Catch Up (not to be confused with Ketchup)

Here are my most recent SOAR pages

I saw this Glimmer Screens and was going to make a Brave Girl Truth Card out of it. Then I remember my friend Carrie loves the Dragonfly and I thought to myself "Hmm wings, I wonder if this could go in my SOAR journal." I looked up the meanings and printed them and had to paste them down.

Symbolisms of the Dragonfly

The Dragonfly’s scurrying flight across water represents an act of going beyond what’s on the surface and looking into the deeper implications and aspects of life.
 Defeat of Self Created Illusions
This property is seen and believed as the end of one’s self created illusions and a clear vision into the realities of life. The magical property of iridescence is also associated with the discovery of one’s own abilities by unmasking the real self and removing the doubts one casts on his/her own sense of identity. This again indirectly means self discovery and removal of inhibitions. 

Power and Poise The best part is that the dragonfly does it with elegance and grace that can be compared to a veteran ballet dancer. If this is not a brazen, lazy, overkill in terms of display of raw power, what is?
 Focus on living ‘IN’ the moment
This style of life symbolizes and exemplifies the virtue of living IN the moment and living life to the fullest. By living in the moment you are aware of who you are, where you are, what you are doing, what you want, what you don’t and make informed choices on a moment-to-moment basis. 

Maturity and a Depth of character
The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life
Remember the magic is in you. You've always had the answers right in your own heart.

Soaring means yuo have to open your wings, step off the ledge and take a chance. Find it in yourself to do what it takes to SOAR

I took words my friends posted on FB and changed the fonts, etc, gave it a border and then printed them out to put in my SOAR book as a reminder that I am a good person and other great things I needed to hear.

Jessica: I Love you so much! You have one of the biggest hearts that I have ever had the privilege to say that I am loved by. There are so many people out there that care about you and that will tell you that you deserve a relationship where they love you just as much as you love them.You have so many talents and so much in your life that is fabulous. You are beautiful inside and out. You are kind, funny, and successful. When people are around your upbeat personality they can't help but bubble as well. So smile my Aunt Trish because your smile will make someone else's day

Maria Dehghan Write it all out and vent away. I find writing is a great way to release what is felt inside so we again can find the peace to breathe.

I can't say there is anyone out there for you who will last for all time, its hard to say that about you. You are not a bird who will pick a oak and nest you are bumble bee you wants to float from sweet flower to sweet flower always leaving a little of yourself while gathering more to you. What I can say is that you are beautiful inside and out that you are strong and smart and witty and anyone who has even one moment in your graces is blessed.
And no matter what else you always have me... might have to deal with some snark but I will never leave you
Love you Trish... Cinnamon

These are from my Goddess Guidebook  This one is called- FLY
I wrote: I am a brave and courageous soul. I overcome and I fly anyway. I have had a few broken wings, sometimes, both at the same time, but my wings mend and I overcome. I also am able to find my way back whenever I get lost. Since the day I was born, I have had to find my wings. I know deep inside I was born to FLY. This is whay any other existence except and Extraordinary one is unacceptable to me. I am destined to FLY. I fell out of the tree away from my family at a very young age and I learned to fly on my own. I will fly. I will fly if I have to MAKE my own wings. I am meant to SOAR.
I wrote: I have always loved the rain. I love being in a shower just so the water and the drops can pour over me. In the outside the drops can come in tiny drops or pour down in chunks of rain. To live is to stand in the rain and to do this and enjoy it one needs to understand & accept that you might get caught in a storm once in awhile But if you want to enjoy the rain, you must endure this. You must get damp or soaked, but you know what others don't and that is that you know the sun will shine & rainbows & butterflies will happily follow.
Heart on Sleeve
I wrote:  Wearing your heart on your sleeve can be a dangerous thing. People can come along & rip it right off you. That can be very scary. But if you hid it away in your heart no one can feel your love or bask in the love you have for others because you are too afraid to show it. To me, wearing my heart on my sleeve, is the only way I know HOW to wear it. I have seen many other different ways to wear it, but to me, this is the only fashionable way (I'm kidding) but to me this is really the only way I find it acceptable. I can't even TRY to hide it. If I do I wake up and WHAT? There is it on my sleeve, like a piece of popcorn that gets stuck on your face when you fall asleep watching a movie on the couch. :)  (I wrote this little words of encouragement for me next)

Continue to be an open hearted angel dear one. Continue to be Brave. You can do it. You are loved and people love you. 

Continue to be you in a big beautiful way.

My word for the year is Peace.
I took the Goddess book work and Be Urself work and the petals and combined a page.
Because of chaos and stress, many of us end up not feeling well…allergies, insomnia, hypertension, weight problems…we can numb our pain, distract ourselves from it, project it and try to deny it’s even there, but none of these escapes can truly relieve our pain. What can we do to have peace in our lives? How can we develop a better attitude? Can we even develop a better attitude? Will a better attitude even work? Will it help?
Goddess Questions: 

What do you want to feel? PEACE
Darling Heart, what do you most want to experience? PEACE
What do you want to give yourself? PEACE

 Below are the PETALS I did for PEACE. Carolyn from a Beautiful Ripple Effect linked this back to something a child did in school. Like all things I made it my own. I might do these instead of the TO DO list for each week. Not sure but it worked out for THIS exercise.

The petals are more explained in the link but I will explain how I use them. I put the word I am focusing on in the center. Then as a "To Do"  I write on the petals how I will achieve that quest. On my petals it says Blissbombed, White Hot Truth, Meditate, Goddess Circle, Willowing, Stability, Affimations, Pinterest, SOAR

This part is still from Week 3, though we are farther than this by one week. This Letting Go piece is on Forgiveness.

There are some of us who may have no problem forgiving someone who has wronged us, but,we do in fact have a problem with forgiving ourselves. When we can’t let go of our past, when we can’t forgive ourselves, we rob ourselves of the same joy and peace that we offer to anyone who has hurt us. Why?How can we willingly forgive someone else, but not ourselves? Are we not worthy of that same forgiveness? Is our self-image, our self-worth such that we can’t?

My work area last night
Also see how I use the extra images as Tabs, Letting Go, Word of the Week, Quote of the Week, etc

Even as we seek to forgive those who have wronged us so we need to forgive ourselves Life can be difficult enough without punishing ourselves! Maybe there is still something you struggle with…and you feel guilty…and you think you will never change. I’m here to say that you can change! And, what if we fail? What if we struggle and we fall? Well, we get back up and we start anew!

Forgive Yourself, Stop Punishing Yourself
 A journal jar my sister made me for Christmas has been integrated into parts of my SOAR journal.

Anything from the Journal Jar will have the post up above like this one. I will label these going forward JJar and then the question like this:

JJar: Write about feeling loved. Who has loved you in your life?

I was going to list people but instead I stared at this blank page. JJ Heller's song What Love Really Means (Love me for Me) comes to mind. I am not sure who has loved me and who has not...but I do feel what I drew in this little sketch (I have been impromptu sketching a lot more lately). It is a heart with a path going to it like a street.
The Path of Love is the path to the Heart

JJar:Write a want ad that best describes you if you were for sale

Beautiful, amazing, authentic and unique woman available.
She is brave, bold, daring, fearless, courageous, a survivor and a warrior wrapped up in one.
She loves life, enjoys every moment & is all about making each moment count.
She is a right brain creative with an amazing left brain knowledge.
She paints, draws, sings, dances, collages, is very artistic and creative.
She has a few web businesses, is driven and motivated and has an amazing fashion sense.
She has an amazing, intellectual mind, shock full of ideas & she's not afraid to put them into action.
Her hair is like sunshine. Her eyes like the truest of nature. Her skin is like porcelain. But her smile, her smile will draw you in and melt your heart.

This made me think about these pieces I had for a vision board instead I put them into two pages here...

What I Love About ME
You can read the big words.
the words written in are...
Makes each moment count
yet Gentle
Lives life to the fullest
Right brain creative
Left brain minded
Thinks of others

This one is on my other post, but I wanted to link it here as it was a part of what I worked on this week.
This time in my life has been rough with the loss of my former partner in my life. I know he hated that word "partner", but I hated calling someone I was with for 4 years my "boyfriend". To me he was so much more than that. He still is. Having the E courses to focus on has been good for me. I miss him terribly and sometimes don't know how I will ever breathe without him... but he asked me to let him go. He asked, that if I do, truly love him (and I do) that I will let him go and experience the chance for happiness. My tears pour frequently. My heart aches breakingly. But I do...I do love him and as hard as it is to say, think and believe this...I want his happiness, EVEN if it cannot be with me.

That, my dears, is true love.

I told my sister recently there is one caveat with Letting Go of love if you follow the saying... 

"If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you, it was meant to be"

The caveat is this...if you both let go, and you both are waiting then no one comes back. Does that really mean it wasn't meant to be? No. I think that is stupid if both people miss that opportunity. Will J ever be with me again? I don't know. But I have reached so far in and my arms, face, heart is cut with scars from the  barbed wire and walls he has up right now, that I can't keep scarring myself like this. If he ever wants me again...he is going to have to say he loves me, that he wants me...until then or if that never happens...then that is how it happens. The day I hear one of two things will the day I know he truly is NEVER coming back...he is marrying her or she is pregnant.

I shouldn't have hope right now. A huge part of me does not. But I know this...

Weak, insecure, needy...will get me nowhere.
Strong, confident, secure...will get me where I am going in life.

Either with him or alone. I have to get back to THAT Trisha.

Healing through art is an amazing process...and I assure works...

I am not saying I am there yet. But, I am holding to the rod. I am enduring for now. I am surviving....