Friday, January 27, 2012

SOAR with Me for Week 4-Healing through Journaling

SOAR Week 4 Work...

Just my luck Week four is about...Love. BLECH.

I am sorry I don't mean to be a downer to those who Love love rigt now and can't wait until Feb 14th and want to shower their honey with affection and tenderness. Yeah I want to do that too. Instead, I will be alone...he will be with HER, take her out, buy her flowers, give her a gift, probably make love to her, and bond even more...I want to shoot something right now badly. UGH! I want to vomit from it all. Seriously. Valentine's day is going to royally suck this year. No one is going to show up on my door, no one is going to be there giving me flowers, no one is going to be holding me, no one is going to be loving me tenderly, no one wants me.

Thoughts of high school days and the mere loneliness of it all comes back to haunt my thoughts now. Asking guys to dances, dates, prom and never having anyone to share those special moments with. When I met S, my 2nd husband, I asked "What do you want most in a relationship?" He said "Someone to share my life with. Do things with. Enjoy life with." I thought J wanted the same. Well, he does, I guess...just not with me. I am not good enough for him. That hurts most of all. The not being wanted by someone. After 4 years...I am nothing...she is now his everything. My heart hurts thinking about it, so I really do try not to.

But still this assignment was Love, so I made the best of it I could. There is more in here about Broken Hearts and Broken Love than anything else, but to me THIS is how LOVE is affecting me right now. Deep down I know my heart will heal. But right now, I want to rip it out of my chest cuz it hurts so much and all I can do is pray unceasingly..."Please Dear Lord, Please bring Peace to My heart. Please help me get THROUGH this."

Yes I said THROUGH. Because I know that is the only way to heal. There is no going around pain and heartache. We must pass through our trials. After our trials comes a blessing of our faith. I will get there. Just not yet. Not yet. But God and me and this thing called Love will get day.

 EXCERPT from the SOAR course
When we love someone or something, it always moves us toward something, or someone. When we love someone, we want to be near that person. We want to be near his or her touch.The movement of fear is always away from someone or something. If I am afraid I back away. I want to get away from the object of my fear. If I am afraid of confrontation, I will back away from the person involved and avoid any possible conflict with him or her. Another important aspect to understand about the three basic emotions is how they are related to self-control. The emotions of anger and fear are reactions to threatening situations or people. Love is the emotion of self-control; for when love is our response, we are able to act, not react, to life.The overwhelmed woman--perhaps she is friendly and caring, always taking the time to listen to her friend’s problems, but lately she finds herself drained by the experience.Someone who is an expert at controlling her emotions might have a spotless house. Underneath though, lies a sea of questions and self-doubt…she wonders if she can do anything right, she is never satisfied. Another way to look at these two basic attempts to retain control of our lives is to image driving a special car. Only we know how to drive it. As we travel down the highway, we suddenly feel overwhelmed, so we decide to put the car into cruise control and jump into the backseat. But nothing can be done if you’re sitting in the backseat
 I pasted some of the quotes from Anita's SOAR work for the week...
 I put this whole sheet down with a quote from Leo Buscaglia
Prepped my pages for Weeks 4-Love
 My Love Story: I haven't had the end of my love story yet. My perfect love story is still out there waiting for me.

Love Cometh after the Rain~ Mary Englebreit.
The Way to Know LIFE is to LOVE many things.
A little poncho I made that says "Sweet girl"

"Don't be afraid to fall in love. It's the only thing that matters in life. Fall in Love with as many things possible."~ Country Strong

When you need to be loved, you take love wherever you can find it. When you are desperate to be loved, feel love, know love, you seek out what you think love should look like. When you find love, or what you think love is, you will lie, kill, and steal to keep it. But learning about real love comes from within. It cannot be given. It cannot be taken away. It grows from your ability to re-create within yourself, the essence of loving experiences you have had in your life.”
Iyanla Vanzant

Without You 
Is the Abscene 

“You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them"

**God is closest to those with broken hearts.    Jewish Saying

The best way to mend a broken heart is time and girlfriends.    Gwyneth

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken
than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.   Author Unknown
Love is like a puzzle. When you're in love, all the pieces fit but when
your heart gets broken, it takes a while to get everything back
together." - Author Unknown

Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to
fix than broken hearts.  Author Unknown

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things
we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live
without but have to let go.   Author Unknown
What is not an expression of love is an expression of fear. Withholding love for any reason is a sign that we are crying out in fear. Fear of being hurt. Fear that our love will not be reciprocated. When you find yourself backing up, pulling back, withdrawing from another person, ask yourself, “Why am I withholding my love?” What you are likely to discover is that there is a hidden fear forcing you to do something you would not like to have done to you. ~The Over Analyst

Don't cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won't let you see the
stars.   Violet Para

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop. 

They say that if you love someone you should let them go, but they never
say what to do when they don’t come back.    Anonymous

The flame of love is now just a cold loneliness.       Unlike Swain

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you
never knew.      Anonymous

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself
constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.  I
miss you like hell.      Edna St. Vincent Millay

[A] final comfort that is small, but not cold:  The heart is the only
broken instrument that works.   T.E. Kalem

What is the opposite of two?  A lonely me, a lonely you.  Richard Wilbur

Look’ how badly I made this broken heart
If your heart is broken
Tell me I'll mend it for you
But if my heart is broken
I doubt i will ever be a mended one
Because you've broken it to the tiniest pieces
I don't even know if all parts are present
I guess one parcel of myself is not here
I think it's gone with you...

Love isn't love til you give it away...

“Don’t hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love.”—Honore de

"When we think we have been hurt by someone in the past, we build up defenses to protect
ourselves from being hurt in the future. So the fearful past causes a fearful future and the past
and future become one. We cannot love when we feel fear.... When we release the fearful past
and forgive everyone, we will experience total love and oneness with all." -Jampolsky

 I added some other pictures and quotes to the left side of my journal.
Authenticity by Brene Brown
You Are Beautiful: That is the Truth by Brave Girls Club

 A Brave Girl Truth Card I made last year and an image for Despair I have had in front of me. I decided to put it in the book.
 TC says: Change is necessary, Be willing to walk away. It is time to let this go.
 The top image is my current desktop on my computer. So I look at it every single day...Despair.
The image below of the girl holding her face in her hands is the image that is my FB profile picture right now.

 My Despair closes over my head
Swallowing my soul
I am drowning in it, not wallowing
My lungs burning as I try as I might
To keep my spirits afloat
I struggle, I strive, I fight to survive
But in the end,
My Black Despair wins.

 Post it notes I shared on my other post.

 Country Strong quotes
 My smile does not always mean I'm happy
Sometimes it means
I can manage
sometimes it is just me
I'm tired of crying

People cry, not because they are weak
It's because they have been strong for too long.
SOAR Truth Card and some magic cards that symbolize SOARING to me.

 Dear Trisha, 
You will be whole again. You will fly again. You will SOAR higher than you ever have soared.

 Then I took Rita's examples and since I truly feel like I don't know one day from the next, this is a good exercise for me to write down what happens day to day. When I sent or received an email, when I got dressed or didnt, when I cried, when I didn't get up, to when I had a migraine or stomach sickyness. This has been very helpful for me right now.

To the right, a few quotes:

Sometimes when you fall down, you just have to lie still, and hope no one runs over you. If they don't and you lay there long enough, taking care to be very still...God will life you up and perform a soul surgery"~Peace from Broken Pieces

One way to eliminate self negating thoughts and behavior is by gaining more understanding through realizing that you cannot force others to see that what you feel is real.” ― Iyanla Vanzant

the last quote reminds me...

It is ok if you find yourself alone. It will be ok. You will be ok. You really are not are never alone.

 I saw this quote on Pinterest and had to save it and print it for my book.
Add caption
 This idea to make these came from White Hot Truth and he post "What I trust"
I decided to make a document for me to write out what I trust as a way of healing. I have a lot of unanswered questions and I don't understand things in my life right now. I was thinking I don't know what I do or DON'T trust right now. But putting it down on paper really helped me see and I feel will help me bridge the gap on the path of healing. It might be I trust my breath to I trust my friends, but it's all good.

If you are interested in receiving these sheets click here to print out your copy and write down what YOU trust. WHAT I TRUST PDF
Break Up Quotes CLICK HERE
Love Quotes CLICK HERE